I haven’t gotten a chance to tell you Chipmunks about my two new [guilty pleasure] life coaches, Zest and Zeal. UNTIL NOW! Boo-ya:
Meet Zest. She's obsessed with her own reflection. (So is Uncle Jesse.)
This is Zeal. He's trying to help me measure the living room for the proper-sized couch, and keeps shouting "NUTS!" every time the measuring tape snaps back on his paws.
They were a Christmas gift from Babs (Mommasita Extraordinaire), and they’re teaching me how to live in the moment and embrace each glass of champagne breath.
Before I go much further, though, I’d like to share with you a scene from this past Christmas Eve, where my father, a Princeton graduate, Doctor of Education and well-respected man about town Dancing with the Stars-watcher, suddenly shouted down the hall to me:
“WHY DO YOU LIKE CHIPMUNKS SO MUCH?”
I could tell immediately that my brother had asked him the question, though that was as much as I could glean.
“BECAUSE THEY’RE SO ADORABLE AND ELUSIVE,” I shouted back immediately. Duh.
“BECAUSE THEY’RE SO ADORABLE AND ELUSIVE,” my father repeated verbatim to my brother, who was not within my line of sight.
…I love my family.
Anyhoo. Zest and Zeal have been busy these past few weeks. Their first order of business, naturally, was to size up this ‘Second Husband‘ they kept hearing so much about:
They unanimously approved.
Their next order of business was to inspect my chocolate stash:
They weren't convinced it was sufficient until they saw the '1-pound' designation.
Then Zest and Zeal decided to take me shopping. I thought they were going to show me the Self Help section of Barnes and Noble, but they had other ideas…
They suggested I start decorating with pieces I could actually use in "day-to-day life."
Holding the massive utensils, the doubt settled in; I began to question their credibility. Not long after the Flatware Fiasco, I got home late one night and stumbled upon this scene:
How cliché.
I gave them a lecture about how I can’t afford a new ceiling fan, but just last night, I returned home to find…
Not my champagne. Anything but the champagne.
I also suspect they’re stealing slap bracelets. And here I thought you could always count on chipmunks.
What’s the worst advice you’ve ever gotten??
Maybe you should consider taking the chipmunks on a little “field trip” then leave them in a cardboard box on the side of the road and run away, much like what happened to Jesse in Toy Story 2. (I am so mean!) But really, they drank your vodka!
I love the pound of pb cups. A dream come true for me!
And the giant fork and spoon–my mom had these huge wooden ones that hung in the kitchen on the wall. My brother used to chase me around the house with the fork. Ah, memories…
You know, we do have a lot of cardboard boxes in the garage from Christmas… maybe just the threat will do the trick??
If they touch the p.b. cups, it’s ON.
I had some chipmunks once, but they got to be too much trouble and expense (mine liked beer and Fig Newtons), so my parents found a nice farm family to take them. It’s important to let chipmunks run free and not confine them indoors. Or so I was told.
Beer and Fig Newtons!! That is incredible. I’ve never tried them together, but you’ve inspired me…
HA. I have always wondered about the fascination with Chipmunks. What is your stance on the Chippendales and of course Chip and Dale?
Chippendales is a-okay ONLY when featured on Saturday Night Live, but Chip and Dale are super-keen always. Thank you for asking.
See, this is why any time my wife says, “Oh, look, chipmunks!” I hide the booze.
As my BFF, you really should have warned me, Byronic Man.
Those munks are what Theo, Alvin and Simon grew up to be.
Yeah – the third one’s missing because he’s in rehab! Or the NUT house.
hahahaha Oh boy.
I think this post has inspired me to explain my love of glitter!
Did you (I hope)?! I’m behind on blogs!!
The high-pitched, fast-talking always creeps me out. Maybe you should try those metal traps with the snapping jaws by the liquor cabinet …. hey, I’m just kidding, don’t get all freaky about my twisted sense of humor!
I learned it from D-Woww by reading her Maineiac blog, what can I say. I was never like this before blogging! *he’s hauled away in shackles for perjury*
Now wait just a minute here, MJ. All I suggested was to kindly set the little buggers free to live on a farm somewhere. I never suggested any violence to any sweet furry chipmunks in my entire life.
You’re right, Darla. I have to retract my statement.
I was off and running and then realized I was telling a big fat “white lie!” I did fess up a little with my perjury statement.
I know you would never harm any animals, especially chipmunks. And, okay … maybe I did have this twisted sense of humor before I started blogging; maybe!
Maybe?! haha! Yeah, me too…
I’m telling you both, if they touch my p.b. cups, I’m hiring you two to figure out how to handle them. Mind games are encouraged.
We love our real little chipmunks who come to the bird feeders. Stewart though is bloodthirsty (and quick) – so sometimes a little funeral is in order.
I’ve always wondered what Uncle Jesse would do if he ever caught a squirrel. We rarely see chipmunks, which is part of why I love them so much. Maybe I need a bird feeder!! But then I’d never get anything done.
I hate to break it to you, but in addition to being drunken degenerates, it looks like one of them is really a skunk.
Is that the same monster Reese’s you talked about weeks ago? How long has that one-pound chocolate dream been hanging around your house? I’d have gotten jiggy with it right quick.
LOL! Zeal looks a lot like a squirrel, but when I mentioned that, he said some pretty nasty things about me in return. (He tossed around the word “gremlin” like it was nothing, for starters.)
I was waiting for someone to ask about that!! Can you believe I haven’t touched the p.b. cups? Maybe I AM a hoarder. No, wait. A chocolate curator?
Tragic, what can happen to unsupervised chipmunks.
On the plus side, I’ve had to sober up to keep an eye on them.
That’s way more units of alcohol than a chipmunk should consume in a day. I’ll have to check the FDA recommendations but I would assume it’s less than 1% of that amount.
The next day they looked more chipper than ever. I don’t get it.
WHOA. Those are some pretty impressive utensils!
Rocket, I would love to see this comment taken out of context.
Handcuffs. Hmmm… Funky little chipmunkies.
Er, don’t know where they found those, Babs… No…idea…
I love you so much at this exact moment. Can you please share the key to your awesomeness, such as by loaning out your life coaches? Pretty please?
Hugs!!! I actually thought about doing that, but other people are rocking that idea so hard (like Leanne Shirtliffe with Things 1 & 2) that I figured I should let the pros keep at it? I could open up a Life Coach suggestion box, though, LOL, and take pictures/videos of the chipmunks carrying out people’s ideas… Hmmm…
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